Armed robbery isn’t usually a subject for levity. However I had to laugh at this one. The Muppet in question came into a corner shop near closing time today, with a toy gun in his pocket. Presumably wanting to have a clear escape route, he decided to wedge the door open with something when he came in.
He chose a slab of butter from the shops refrigerated display.
The look of confusion on your face about now is probably similar to the look on mine at the time.
Butter.
Needless to say, the tin foil encased dairy produce didn’t achieve the desired objective.
Undeterred, he approached the bemused shopkeeper, pulled out the pistol and demanded money.
The shopkeepers response? “That’s not a real gun mate, piss off!”. This not being in the script running through the idiots head, he panics and runs off. Stopping of course to reopen the unwedged door on the way out.
I got accused once of making some of these stories up, or exaggerating the stupidity for literary effect. Not guilty, m’lud. If I was, he’d have slipped on the butter on the way out and knocked himself unconscious or some other such slapstick tomfoolery. No, I just describe them as they happen.
Because I’m not a moron, or so I’m told, it would never occur to me to try wedging a door open with butter, so the fact that someone tried it rather than, say, a door wedge, simply fascinates me. Every workplace has ‘that employee’ whose mere name being mentioned makes your eyes roll back and starts conspiracy theories about how they got and kept their job.
But there’s no entry requirements to being a petty criminal. There’s no tests, no exams, no interview to fail or probationary period to struggle through, no competition for vacancies. You can’t be sacked or invited to resign, so the inherent stupidity never gets filtered out.
Unit When Free 