Yes, I am a police officer.

No, I was not bullied at school.

No, you do not pay my wages. Unless you’re Theresa May, in which case I hate you. Or Tom Winsor. Or Amber Rudd.

I will not send someone quicker because your golfing buddy is allegedly a chief inspector.

We do not get to keep the money from motoring fines. If you don’t like being fined, or arrested, then DON’T. BREAK. THE. LAW. Problem solved. You’re welcome.

Yes, I do like doughnuts.